Two Years, No Baby

Today officially marks 2 years of trying with no success. I'm going to let you in on a little secret...After Peter and I got married August 26th, 2017, we had a debate that lasted weeks about when to start trying to have a baby. Me being, well...me, I wanted to start right away because I've always wanted to be a mom. Peter wasn't so keen on that plan because he is logical and wanted to wait until we had a house when having a baby would be more feasible. Fair enough...but he didn't want to start trying until October of 2018 and I was like woahhhh there, pump the brakes. That was way too far away for me because I somehow knew we would have issues.

So we debated, and we debated, and we debated some more and finally agreed on the compromise of May 1st...why?

1. May 1st is our dating anniversary. Our first date was on this day in 2012. So I thought, oh that's cute and meaningful, let's go with that.

2. May 1st was 8 months after our wedding, and October was 5 months past that. So we were kind of meeting in the middle? (But not really).

6 months to a year into trying and still having no success created a deep seated bitterness in me, especially when we found out my diagnosis. It was hard because this bitterness was directed towards Peter because in a way, I blamed him for making us wait so long. That was 8 whole months that we could have had answers and gotten help sooner and I will be honest, it took me a long time to get past those feelings.

Some people have asked me if I ever wish it was Peter that had the issue and you might be surprised that my answer to that is no. Sperm issues might have been easier to deal with in terms of finding a solution, we'll never really know but ultimately I was glad it was me because I didn't need another thing to fuel that bitterness that I felt towards him and the situation. I obviously felt terrible that I felt this way but sometimes you can't help how you feel. I've come to terms with the fact that this is how our life went, and we can't go back and change it so there is no point in dwelling on it...and don't worry! If anything, our relationship and communication has gotten stronger throughout this whole journey.

It feels so strange to think two years have passed when it feels like so much longer than that. The hardest part about editing that first video I posted was actually watching my first video from June 2018. The one where I'm sitting in the car about to go to my friend's house to take my very first pregnancy test. You see, all of those videos that I took got shoved into a folder that I never looked at again until editing time came. So I was pretty unprepared for the shock of seeing how different the girl in that first video was. She was happy, optimistic and excited. When I watched that video again for the first time, I wasn't someone who knew what those things felt like anymore. It felt like I didn't know who that person was and that I was watching a stranger.

I'm in a much better place now for the time being and even though this day is kind of sad for me, it's a bit bittersweet as well. I can think back on May 1st 2018 and feel everything that I felt then. It was a combination of excitement, nervousness, and an overwhelming feeling of fear because part of me just knew what was coming. But it's that excitement that I'm trying to hold on to now and take with me into these next steps.