I was a bit nervous to post my most recent video showing snippets of my friends' and families' reactions to the pregnancy that we just lost. I've honestly never seen it done before. Most people want to push those memories away because they are too painful to remember and I completely understand that. I guess I'm a bit different.
I've always been an empathetic person, almost to the extreme. With that, it's also very easy for me to think back on past events and feel all the emotions from those events as if it was happening to me now. It's like my emotional recall is out of this world and it can be a blessing but also a curse. A blessing because it means I get to look back on happy memories and feel like I'm experiencing them all over again, from getting butterflies, to tears of happiness. On the other side of the coin, I can also look back on negative memories and have my day entirely ruined because I feel like I just went through something all over again.
I've learned to only use these "powers" for good though and I really try my best to only focus on the positive memories. What that whole tangent is basically saying is that I watch those pregnancy announcement videos and have the biggest smile on my face every time. I cry happy tears because my friends are crying happy tears. I temporarily forget that I'm no longer pregnant and that lapse of memory is a welcome break from reality for me. I never want to forget how happy I was for those 4.5 days because it fuels me to continue on, encourages me to keep trying and gives me hope that someday there WILL be a next time.
I also know that I will never get back that experience of telling these friends and family members that I was pregnant for the first time. There's only one first time and that was it. Reactions may not be the same in the future which is just another reason for me to treasure these videos that I have.
Lastly, I want to celebrate the fact that I DID get pregnant and that it happened naturally of all things. That fact still blows my mind and I don't understand it at all. It's like over the past two years I've been playing monopoly...but I keep landing on other people's properties or getting sent to jail. Well, I FINALLY passed go! I really feel like good things are right around the corner for us and that we just need to be a little bit more patient. Sometimes you just have to hold out for boardwalk.