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  • Writer's pictureMegan Sauer

I am Safe

Updated: Jul 14, 2020

I’m living in my dreams, they keep me safe from reality.

Locking away all thoughts of infertility.

In my dreams, I am safe from pregnancy announcements.

No mention of loss or expensive supplements.

In my dreams I am happy…What does that feel like?

Having reasons to smile and the desire to go outside?

To want for nothing and feel content with my life,

is a wish that is distant and unattainable, right?

Why does my body hate me so much?

Is it because I eat junk and spend too much time on the couch?

Did I do something wrong to be punished this way?

Do I deserve to never feel okay?

Is it because I don’t exercise?

Or is it because of my frame or my size?

Every day gets harder not having the answers.

But luckily in my dreams the answers don’t matter.

There is a hole in my soul that can never be filled

if I don’t have a child and keep taking these pills.

How many times will I be poked and prodded,

Before I’m rewarded with a son or a daughter? In my dreams I am safe, I have family and friends.

But every so often the nightmares sneak in.

I dream that I’m pregnant and think that it’s real

Until I wake up and the truth is revealed.

But for a few seconds I’m happy again,

Preparing for a baby with family and friends.

Making announcements and picking out names,

Until the moment I realize it was all just a game.

A cruel game from the universe, I’m just a big joke.

So to the clinic I go to get another poke.

In my dreams, I am safe from optimism and hope.

It’s the only way that I know how to cope.

So back to sleep I go, where my sweet dreams await...

because in those sweet dreams, I am safe.

I am safe.

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