I’m living in my dreams, they keep me safe from reality.
Locking away all thoughts of infertility.
In my dreams, I am safe from pregnancy announcements.
No mention of loss or expensive supplements.
In my dreams I am happy…What does that feel like?
Having reasons to smile and the desire to go outside?
To want for nothing and feel content with my life,
is a wish that is distant and unattainable, right?
Why does my body hate me so much?
Is it because I eat junk and spend too much time on the couch?
Did I do something wrong to be punished this way?
Do I deserve to never feel okay?
Is it because I don’t exercise?
Or is it because of my frame or my size?
Every day gets harder not having the answers.
But luckily in my dreams the answers don’t matter.
There is a hole in my soul that can never be filled
if I don’t have a child and keep taking these pills.
How many times will I be poked and prodded,
Before I’m rewarded with a son or a daughter? In my dreams I am safe, I have family and friends.
But every so often the nightmares sneak in.
I dream that I’m pregnant and think that it’s real…
Until I wake up and the truth is revealed.
But for a few seconds I’m happy again,
Preparing for a baby with family and friends.
Making announcements and picking out names,
Until the moment I realize it was all just a game.
A cruel game from the universe, I’m just a big joke.
So to the clinic I go to get another poke.
In my dreams, I am safe from optimism and hope.
It’s the only way that I know how to cope.
So back to sleep I go, where my sweet dreams await...
because in those sweet dreams, I am safe.
I am safe.
